Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
they're like a gay fantastic four
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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