I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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