so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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