He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
