I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
