i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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