I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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