I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
