Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
