I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
