I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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