Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
