When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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