i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
