Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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