not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
