You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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