Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
