Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
