My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
