he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i think i just lost a toe
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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