you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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