yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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