Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Soap is not a condiment
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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