9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
