I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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