it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
