Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
