Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
