did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
