afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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