Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
