i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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