if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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