the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
