Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
