Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This can only be settled by a dance off.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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