If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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