I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
