not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
