As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
