Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
