There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
