so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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