3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
