I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
