Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
