Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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