You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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