ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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