I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
