Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm too high and old for this...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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