it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
