Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
