If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
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My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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