Already got asked if we're dating
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
