went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Bring me that man meat
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm both gender and math confused
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
