I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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