Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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